Zach McNair Is A Dreamer

Question & Answer (partial)

2008-03-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

A stone cold heart, fire, and flame.
At what point in my life end up this way?
I've given all the answers,
I've been asked all the questions,
Still I'm here. Still I'm here.

Don't stress now,
I'm changing all the timelines.
Don't worry now,
Something real will come your way.

We'll watch the world wash away.
We'll see the lives made clean.
It'll be good.
It'll be good for a heart like mine.

Oh Heaven, Open Your Door

2008-03-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

I can't bear to look at myself anymore.
I can't bear for you to look at me as if to find influence.
I am no one you should admire.
I am selfish, and I am wrong.
So wrong.
But furthermore, in case you don't believe,
My heart burns with doubt and disbelief.

My God, You say you are all and everywhere,
But where are You?
I've called for help to the point where I don't care to call any longer.
I don't. I don't care.
I wish I did. I wish I could call out to You like a child.

I haven't felt Your hand upon me in years.
I have forgotten Your touch; Your voice.
I see the doors You open and close,
But I long to see You, not just your blessings.

I don't deserve anything I have,
Yet I am still discontent.
I want to know that anything I am doing is right,
Because right now I feel all I do is wrong.

I have no passions - You've taken them from me.
I am empty, Lord, and my heart has run dry.

I guess I'll keep calling out to You.
Who knows? Maybe You'll touch me someday.
Maybe then You will kill off the habits of sin I hate.
Maybe then You will show me a love, dressed in white, who calls my name.
Maybe then I will finally get someplace new.
Maybe then I will get to be the person on the inside that I am on the outside.

My God, my heart is hardening right before me,
And I can't stop it.

My God, I know You are love,
And I know You love me.
I know You've never left me,
But God, I have never felt so alone.
Not yesterday, not last year, not last decade.
I am cold, and I am alone without Your touch.
I just want to love.
I just want to show love.
But who, but You, could love a man like me?

And Lord, my family.. I don't know them anymore.
My heart grows heavy, cold, and bitter.
Is this what You intended?
A detached family with seemingly no hope of seeing the Light of day?

This prayer is much too long,
But I know there is a need.

God, I need that breakthrough surgery;
The one that will replace this heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
I need some sort of life.
I need some sort of direction.
Cos everywhere You've led me to has been a dead end thus far.

Forgive my lack of faith.
Forgive me, my God.

Why I Do What I Do

2008-03-05T23:35:00.000-08:00

   I am interrupted from my worrisome thoughts by a lonely, meager kid approaching the table. He looks even more distraught than I feel. He has bad tattoos and huge bags under his eyes, looking as if sleep has been avoiding him for weeks. And as he comes closer, I see that his eyes are red and watery, as if he has been shaken up by something severe. I am curious, and my attention is drawn away from my selfish wallowing, for the time being at least. I make eye contact with him as he speaks to me.
    "Is there some way we can talk in private, man? I know this sounds kind of weird, and you guys are busy and all, but I have some important things I would like to talk to you about, Andrew," he says to me.
    "Of course we can," I reply. "Follow me, and we can talk about anything you want."
    I lead him back behind the merch table and into a back room at the club, away from would-be interruptions. I am a little overwhelmed at his candor, not knowing what to expect when he does decide to speak. I am also hoping that he is sincere in his desire to speak to me about something real, and that he isn't just someone who just wants to get near me because he likes my band. You would be amazed at the stories that people come up with to have an excuse to talk to someone they idolize.
    "First of all, I want to tell you how much your music means to me, Andrew. I bought Drawing Black Lines a couple of years ago, and it changed my life. I'm not some crazy fan or anything. I'm just someone whose life you have changed. Your lyrics are so passionate and filled with hope, though I can tell you have gone through real pain. It's just ... so ... real. And that's so rare. I actually feel your hurt when I listen to it, and it makes me long for something real in my own life."
    I am currently feeling this guy's words, for some strange reason. I mean really feeling them. You would think that would be obvious, but when you have the same conversation with so many people so many times, over and over again for days on end, it is impossible to feel a deep connection with every single person who approaches you. But this guy has my attention. I can sense he has deep pain and a very real need for something. And all of a sudden, my petty cares about disappointment and my music career seem very far away.
    "Thanks a lot, man. Your words really encourage me. What's your name?" I ask.
    "Jeremy," he responds.
    "Nice to meet you. So, tell me-- what do you really want to talk to me about?"
    His face drops, and tears begin to appear in his eyes. He looks embarrassed and tries to wipe them away before they stream down his face. My heart begins to open to hi even more as I see this happening, sensing his earnest desire to confess, or share, or something. I can just tell he has something very important to reveal.
    "I have to tell you this, only because I have to tell someone. I am sorry to put you on the spot like this, because you don't me. I feel a connection to you because of your music, but only because it speaks so closely to what I am going through right now. Please don't think I am just some weird fan because I'm not."
    "It's okay. Don't worry about it. Just let it out, man. Sometimes just the act of speaking about something heavy on your heart frees you up enough to take steps in a new direction. Trust me, I am here to listen. This is why our band was started in the first place, to inspire those in a low place." I say all of this hoping that I can convey to him how much I truly want him to know that there will be no judgement on my end. God knows I have had my fair share of pain and hurt in my day. This conversation is going somewhere much needed. I can feel it. But who needs this talk more, him or me?
    "Alright, here goes. I have been strung out on heroin for basically the last eighteen months. I am living on the streets right now, completely homeless. I stole money from my family, and they don't trust me anymore. I have nowhere to turn, nowhere to run. I slept in the park last night. I guess I am telling you all of this because I want you to know that the only thing that has kept me going throughout all of this is your music. If I didn't have it, I would have probably been dead by now." His eyes begin to well up at that last sentence.
    Now track with me here. I have basically just been told that I saved someone's life that I don't even know, that I have never seen, that I have never met. I am sure guys like Trent Reznor get this bit all the time, and they are well accustomed to the story,, if not even a bit jaded to it. But for a guy in a mid-level band struggling for legitimacy and meaning during a time for us that seems absolutely devoid of anything hopeful or inspiring, this kid's words are a direct injection of life. I am beyond words. My entire world of misaligned priorities has just been completely obliterated. Here I am, so concerned about my album sales and future as a professional musician, while this guy is sleeping under newspapers on a bench.
    "Have you tried going to rehab? I have a few friends back home who went through the sae thing, and they had great experiences with rehab. There are even some places that will take you in for free as long as you commit to the program. I know Teen Challenge has that type of program," I say.
    "I just don't have any hope that it will help. I feel like there is nothing that will pull me out of this cycle. Have you ever done heroin? If you haven't, there's no way I can explain to you how much it takes a hold of you."
    I shake my head. He pulls up his sleeves and shows me his track marks. The veins on both of his arms are black near the elbow joints. I cringe internally, but hide the reaction on my face. If I had any doubts as to whether or not he was the real deal, they just went out the window. I am thoroughly and completely ashamed of myself at this very moment. I have everything. He has nothing. I feel the weight of his spirit, knowing he is completely at the bottom and that I am the last buffer between him and giving up completely. But what can I do? I am in town for one night. I have no chance of playing any role in his life whatsoever because of my lifestyle. All I know is that I need to give him anything and everything I have. the burden is deep, his reality now weighs on me. I feel a strange responsibility for him in my conscience, knowing I do have something for him that he may not get anywhere else. I know immediately what I should say, what I should do, as if it is being decided for me, but not by me. I lead him to our RV, away from the club and distraction and invite him into our home on wheels. Though this is a right that few enjoy, if for no other reason than refuge and privacy, I know that opening up my house to him is the least I can do.
    "Tell me what you need. Clothes? Blankets? Food? Drink? I can give you anything we have and more." I quickly put together a bag filled with granola bars, soup, a blanket, a sweater, and bottled waters.
    "Thanks so much, man. You don't know what this means. This is the most kindness I have been shown in months. Everyone I know has cut me off, and for good reason. I don't deserve another chance."
    That's what it all comes down to, doesn't it? Does anyone deserve it? Do I, right now, with all my poor attitudes? Does he, right now, with his dirty blue balloons and thieving? I think every single one of us knows the answer to that one deep down. The answer is no. No, we don't.
    "Honestly, Jeremy. I don't have much to give you right now. I mean, I am leaving tonight, and I would take you with me if I could. But I can't. The fact is that our conversation will be a memory in a few hours, and you will be left with the same thing you are left with every day: a decision. The truth is that you already know the answer to your question. You don't deserve a second chance. Neither do I. But if you were given one, would you take it? If you had the chance to put it all behind you, would you?"
    "Yes," he says, tears welling up again.
    "You have to listen to me right now, because you are at the turning point. If you leave here tonight without hearing my words, continuing down your present course, it won't be long before you lose your life. It doesn't matter how you got where you are now. It doesn't matter the decisions you have made prior to this. What matters is the decision you make right now, and the ones you will make from this point forward. Look, I am going to be more vulnerable with you than I usually am with people who come up to me at shows. I haven't exactly been living the most fulfilling or peaceful existence lately. In fact, I have been depressed for the most part of this whole tour. I am just having a hard time finding meaning in anything I do right now. But you coming to me and talking to me has really smacked me in the face. What I am going to tell you may sound crazy, if not completely ridiculous, but I know a way out for you."
    "No matter what it is, I want it. I just don't want to be who I have become."
    "I want you to know I have tired so many things to try to find some sense of meaning in my life, but I've come up empty on all counts. I mean, I've tried everything. Girls, success, money, partying ... it's all the same thing. It's all a quick-fix, an escape mechanism, a temporary treatment of symptoms without acknowledging the actual sickness. And we are all wired the same when it comes down to it. We are all searching for some sense of fulfillment to appease our guilty consciences and make ourselves feel better, in the long run. When you boil t down, this is the essence of how we spend most of our time. It is all just basically a search to fill the hole, the void. Do you feel it? And the funny thing is, the harder we try to fill the hole, the more destructive we become. It's how humans are built. We have a natural propensity for self-destruction. The more well-adjusted of us can keep it together on the outside, but we still feel that empty spot when we finish our day and lie alone in our beds at night. I don't care who you are. And whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not, we are reaching, stretching toward some meaning in everything we do. Do you understand what I mean?"
    "Yeah."
    "And I know this sounds crazy, but I have to be honest here. There is only one place I have ever found any sense of truth or peace in my own searching. Maybe you have heard it thousands of times, and chances are you have. But there is something about hitting bottom that forces us to turn to things we wouldn't turn to normally. I am telling you, man, the only place you will find any fulfillment, in my experience, is in God."
    At this, I reach in my drawer and hand him my Bible. I only have one, and I have had it for years, complete with notes and personal remarks. I feel so strange saying all of this because I have been so devoid of hope lately, but there is no denying the fact that it must be said right here, right now. It's amazing how these encounters become a wake-up call to the messenger as well as the receiver. i wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the entire would than here at this moment.
    "Here. Take this. It has been a light to me, despite what so many in our culture say about the fact that Christianity is outdated and dead. I think the most amazing thing contained in these pages is the fact that forgiveness and cleansing is available for anyone and everyone, if they are willing to turn from their ways and admit that with ourselves at the helm, we will fail. If we are willing to humble ourselves and confess, then He is willing to forgive. Isn't that amazing, once you think about it? It does not matter what we have done."
    He nods, silent. Intent and remorseful, his expression says all that needs to be said, adorned with a worn expression that concurs with my last statement. Forgiveness is hard to find. He knows, as do I. Forgiveness is hard to find. And I need it right now as badly as he does.
    "Do you think I could be forgiven for what I have done?" he asks me.
    "Yes. Without a doubt. We just have to believe in the Sone of God. We have to believe that we are forgiven and change our ways. He does not want to see us in the state that we are in. You know, in many ways I am in similar shape as you. Just tonight, onstage, it was almost impossible for me to get the words out because my heart was so heavy with remorse, regret, and hopelessness. This conversation is as needed for me as it is for you. I am truly amazed at how this night is turning out. Do you want to pray together right now, and let it all go?"
    "Yes," he says.
    And we do. And it is everything that both of us need. We confess together, before heaven, eyes shut, hearts open, not caring what the world around us thinks at that moment. I actually can feel his burden lifting, hope entering his mind, his thoughts. It is a beautiful thing, to say the least. He confesses all he stole, and he injected into his body, and all the ways he indulged in hopeless thinking. I confess all my disobedience, my cynical attitude, my desires to store up success as some sort of end-all-be-all fix to my own insecurities. But most of all , we both confess filling ourselves with utter poison when another answer was offered all along. Then we open our eyes together, and all the world seems to have changed while we were away.
    "Do you sense the hope?" I ask him.
    "I do," he responds.
    "Listen man. You know I can't stay here with you, or else I would. We can stay in touch after tonight, though. I'll give you my email address. You have to promise me you will contact your family and enroll in a program. Do you have one in mind?
    "Yeah. There's one not far from where I have been staying. I promise I will go there tomorrow. Andrew you have no idea how much you helped me tonight. I think you may have really saved my life all over again. I don't know how to thank you for talking to me."
    "I should be the one thinking you. Your courage and honesty truly convicted me of how much of a coward have been lately. You have helped me just as much as I helped you. But the reality is that there was a definite reason why you came here tonight. I can see that so obviously it is scary. I have a couple of questions though. First, how did you get to the show tonight?"
    "Oh, I snuck in the back when one of the bands were loading in between sets. I didn't have any money, of course."
    A smile creeps over my face. I can't help but think about the kid and his dad before the show, and how people like them probably would have kicked this kid out of the show if they had caught him.
    "That's pretty funny," I say. "It's amazing how ironic these situations can be. Okay, here's my second question: Did you have any ideas about the stereotype about our band before tonight?"
    "Nope. I just liked the music and felt a real desperate search for hope in it. I guess I always just felt that there was something in it that pushed me towards staying alive. You guys don't seem at all to be like the lame Christian rock bands who are trying to make Jesus cool. You are a real band that plays real music. To be honest, If I had thought that you guys were a Christian rock band, I wouldn't have come tonight. Actually, I didn't even know you guys believed in God at all before tonight."

    In the end, all of the risk and all of the failure and all of the sleepless nights and all of the empty promises will not matter. In the end, all of the thieving managers and we-came-so-closes and we-almost-were-huge-but-oh-my-dear-son-the-big-one-got-aways will not matter. It just will not matter.
    Why?
    Because one kid will walk up to you at some random show in Maine when you are at your lowest, and he will tell you with tears in his eyes that you saved his life. And he will mean it. And you will be cut to the heart. And all the complaints in the world that you had not a few minutes prior will disappear. Because you will write that one song, that one chorus, that one note that is magical. Because in the end, when it is all said and done, you will come back home, if you are true, if you are real, if you really have been gifted to do what you are doing and God is in heaven has set this task before you. Because in the end, when it is all over and you are lying on your deathbed with faded tattoos and a saggy yet supportive wife by your side, you will look back and know that you took the risk, you stepped out in faith. And you know what? You actually DID something that mattered, even if it was only to a few people.
    And though it was never, ever, glamorous, nor anything like what they told you it would be, one thing stands true. One thing and one thing only matters, above all else in the end. Nothing else matters in the whole world besides this one thing:
    You did it all for the love. You did it all for THE LOVE

- Andrew Schwab, "It's All Downhill From Here" (excerpt)

A New Prayer

2008-02-25T23:22:00.000-08:00

When there is a whole world out there,
I am stuck inside staring at screens that hold me captive.
I've never longed for anything different 'til now.
I've never longed for anything different 'til now.

I want a change because they need a change.

Oh my, God. Who am I?
There's a world in need,
and I have done nothing for it.
and I have done nothing for it.

I want a change because they need a change.

So, You're calling me to places I've never been.
You're calling me to give up all I've ever known.
Oh, God, can I really give up everything?
I'm so weak at heart, but I can't deny what I know.

I know they need you as much as I do, and sometimes more.

When Our Idols Take Over

2008-02-16T21:28:00.001-08:00

I swear I never saw it coming.
It was just one wish, and the onslaught came.
I guess I brought it upon myself.
I guess You're all I need.

When our idols take over,
We stare at blank walls wondering, "My God! What have I become?"

So, now move on with the story line.
It was just one desire of a broken heart.
I guess they're not what I needed.
I guess You're all I need.

When our idols take over,
We stare at blank walls wondering, "My God! What have I become?"
When our idols take over,
We'll be the broken, the bruised, and the lost dying for a change.

Oh, God,
If you're tuning into this broadcast,
I'm confessing my sins with signals over the air.
I long for a love that might cost me everything,
But without You, we'll never be alright.

Things I Miss

2008-02-15T13:59:00.001-08:00

I miss waking up in the morning to the smell of breakfast.
I miss having no care in the world about anything.
I miss my Jesus in the morning and my Jesus in the night.
I miss my mother.
I miss all the people who have come and gone.
I miss the simple life; The one that never existed.
I miss playing horrible shows & being humbled by the fans.
I miss high school choir class.
I miss the Blake Rampy Band & still jam to their demo often.
I miss my time to pursue writing, design, and music.
I miss the old days.
I miss remembering lines in movies I just saw.
I miss my childlike faith.
I miss you.
I miss all of those who have impacted my life.
I miss the tears that have long since stopped coming.
I miss deep, genuine, relentless happiness.
I miss so much, but am thankful for what I've been given.

Sent from my iPhone

Just Some Thoughts #4

2008-02-14T23:36:00.000-08:00

You will never own enough music. Don't even try.
Watching a 2 hour long movie on 1 typeface (Helvetica) will make you randomly shout out "I know that typeface" upon entering airports, bus stops, and strip malls. You will then feel like Steve Urkel.
Speaking of Steve Urkel, Jaleel White looks nothing like he did on Family Matters.
You only turn 21 once. Probably a good thing for most people.
Times are changing. That's nothing new. Get a new slogan.
Email the future at swamped.com. A site by my friend.
First dates and last dates are usually the same thing for me.
I love that banks still use snail mail (sarcasm).
AV = BA.
Your best friends are always found in the least likely of places.
I wonder what you're doing now.
I wish I could sing higher.
Karma. You're joking, right?
My name is not Josh, contrary to popular belief.
Huntsville and Nashville have nothing to do with Vegas.

Words With The Lonely

2008-01-20T14:02:00.000-08:00

We are a lonely people.
We write open-ended letters to lovers who never are,
We sing the songs of the lonely hearts,
We enjoy meals set in silence,
And this sets us free:
That one has come to set all things right;
No one shall be forsaken or forgotten.

It's no news to the world that I am a longing man.
I long for things I have not seen,
And I dream for things greater than my eyes.

It's safe to say here tonight,
My loneliness comes not from me being alone,
But rather because I can't seem to trust that God will meet my needs.
I have a father who has lavishly poured out His life for me,
Yet it's the future that makes me wonder.

Who will I be and why?
I want to be God's,
And I want to trust that He is Provider.

Damn my doubt.
Damn my disbelief.
Damn my loneliness.
I don't want it.
I never have.
I want my God.

This, my friends, is me.
A broken, humbled man who struggles just as much as you.
We are not alone.

Yours If You Want Me

2008-01-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

It's amazing to me how some authors tend to speak the words of my mind and heart before I get to. This would have been a letter I would have written today, had it not been written before:

I'm yours if you want me
And I'm sorry if you do
'Cause I don't have that much to offer
A girl who knows as much as you

I'm scared of your body
And I'm scared of your soul
But I'd rather be a letdown
Than let being with you go

I'm yours if you want me
You can see I'm not mine anymore
It didn't take much to drive me crazy
I guess I wasn't that sane before

I don't care about my future
And I don't care about your past
Those things come from and lead to right now
And they can get the hell out fast

So I'm yours if you want me
And you know what now I think you should
'Cause I want you to be mine so bad
I promise I'll make it good

- Chris Thile, "I'm Yours If You Want Me"

Awaken To Realization

2008-01-10T23:43:00.000-08:00

Do you ever awake to realize that sometimes your dreams are better than real life?
Do you ever awake to realize that sometimes real life is better than your dreams?

There are days when my dreams are certainly sweeter than real life. I find that those are the most depressing moments of my life. Waking up becomes the sore realization that maybe the life you dreamed of is nothing more than just a thought process that relaxes your mind during R.E.M. Oh, such sad reality.

Then there are days when my dreams can't possibly be better than real life. I realize that I am blessed by an all loving God. I realize that He's provided all I will ever need and then some. I realize I am truly not alone. Different situations and different people that God has put in my life tend to make me feel ridiculously blessed.

I think I can honestly say that over the past couple of weeks, my life has become the latter. It's the life better than dreams. Who knows if it will stay that way or not, but right now I am counting my blessings and praising God for them!

These lyrics ring home to me tonight. Maybe it's the words I just can't say yet, but one day... one day.

"Didn’t I tell you that I could hear you running out?
Didn’t I find you when I knew you were hiding out?
Didn’t I see you when you thought you’d never stand out?
Didn’t I find you? Didn’t I find you?"
- Copeland, "When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out"

Just Some Thoughts #3

2008-01-03T22:06:00.000-08:00

Know that 3 people read this thing, including 2 new people you've never met.
No matter what they say, silence is not the same as gold.
Never grow old of Thursday. You know you love them.
Face it, you've got a lot more of these thoughts to write.
Love is fragile. Don't ruin it by rushing it.
Don't drink Coke over Dr Pepper. You'll hate you later.
Stare into the eyes of the unknown. They need love too.
Feel sorry for people who don't pursue their passions.
Photography is where it's at.
Relish in knowing Sleeping At Last's Christmas songs are great year 'round.
The December Drive. Listen to them more, man.
Trusting in God is the hardest, most beautiful thing you will ever do.
You're not a college student... go to bed before 2!
To know someone awesome who goes by the name Frodo is a cool feeling.
Brunches are underrated... especially with great company.
You realize how much you don't know, when a 5yr old understands life better than you.
Living Water is one of the coolest things ever.
Being 21 isn't all that it's cracked up to be... So, don't be stupid.
I can feel lonely in a room full of people. It happens often.
No matter how much you talk, phone conversations will always be awkward.
Courage, honesty, purpose, integrity, discernment, strength,
patience & faithfulness... Strive to have those traits.

Voices On A String

2008-01-02T21:59:00.001-08:00

It's rare when a song picks up a double-meaning to me, but this one is hugely a worship song to me as well as it is also a declaration in the sense of relationships. Just thought I'd share:

When the sun comes up
I can see that you're not here
And the whole world stops
But the wind-up bird keeps winding up its string
And the days go by and you don't come back
But I know you will because there's something pulling both of us

Back and forth, up and down
All around, in and out of love
And I've been holding on,
Holding on for so long that I can't let you go

Even when we're apart I can feel you next to me
There's a hidden love connecting us like voices on a string

At the bottom of the well, in the middle of the day
You're the passing sunlight
Stay with me, don't go away
I can hear your voice cutting through the wire
It's the silver spark connecting us and pulling me

Back and forth, up and down
All around, in and out of love
And I've been holding on,
Holding on for so long that I can't let you go

Even when we're apart I can feel you next to me
There's a hidden love connecting us like voices on a string
Even when I'm alone I can tell you're with me
There's a hidden love connecting us
And I'm holding on by a string

Back and forth, up and down
In and out, all around
Back and forth, up and down
In and out, all around this love

Even when we're apart I can feel you next to me
There's a hidden love connecting us
I'm holding on, holding on by a string

- Thursday, "Voices On A String"

A Little Helping Hand

2008-01-01T21:57:00.000-08:00

So, I come to you, the reader, with an open and honest heart. I pray you take what i have to say and that you pray for me.. I need it.

I don't fully know how to begin here. I am living in a state of needless fear. Needless because I know God will provide what I need WHEN I need it, but fear because there is a part of me (the sinful part) that actually thinks God won't be of His word. There are two scenarios in which I speak of, but my goal is to be as vague as possible so as to not give too much away quite yet.

Basically, I have been given two blessings in life. These blessings came pretty much out of nowhere. They came out of times in my life when my relationship with God was next to zilch due to my lack of willingness to lay down my busy schedule and actually talk to God. These blessings have been at the forefront of my mind, and while I know that the God who provides is a God who can take away, my hope and prayer is that He doesn't take these two things away. I don't hold them more valuable than Him, but they are valuable to me nonetheless. As I told a dear friend of mine on Saturday, I would give up all I have to follow God. So, the willingness to let these situations go is there. Knowing that these situations would fade away would be disheartening, but I know that God only promises to provide the best.

Now, I'm sure one of these situations will die in its due time, as all situations of this stature do, but the other situation has potential to last the length of the years of my life. They are passions of mine, no doubt. Maybe that's why I'm vulnerable about them? They are God-given passions; passions that can potentially do great things for the kingdom.

So, what is my prayer?
My prayer is this.. to strive to be a man of courage, honesty, purpose, integrity, discernment, strength, patience & faithfulness... or simply to be a man after God's own heart.

Existence

2007-12-10T21:54:00.001-08:00

It's all alright now.
I know life is not how you planned,
But can't you see the beauty in it all?
Four lines, and I can't seem to break through.

I think I'll write you another song.
I think I'll give you another piece of my heart.
I just want to break through.
I just want to show you love abounds.

You can say it like it is,
But this is more than meaningless existence.
So, take these words and cast them to the wind.
Four lines, and I will not give up on you.

I think I'll write you another song.
I think I'll give you another piece of my heart.
I just want to break through.
I just want to show you love abounds.

You were just a kid then,
But I saw salvation and a sense of hope
Poured out on you in love
Waiting for the opportune time to say
"you're mine, and I can't let this go."

Your heart will soften over time.
Just let go and believe.

Miracle

2007-12-09T23:29:00.000-08:00

Haven't we all seen these roads diverged?
A choice and a life hanging in the balance.
I could have written love on your arms,
but it's not easy when you don't see the up from down.

All I could ask for is a miracle in all of this.
You're too young to know the pain you bear.
I'll be praying for a miracle.
So, breathe deep and know you'll make it out alive.

It's not like we can be kids again.
You can't just choose to go back in time
Any easier than I could change the stars
Or change the color of the moon in your eyes tonight.

All I could ask for is a miracle in all of this.
You're too young to know the pain you bear.
I'll be praying for a miracle.
So, breathe deep and know you'll make it out alive.

Oh, the bittersweet.
Oh, what a wonderful, beautiful soul!
I can't change you,
But I can love you.

All I could ask for is a miracle in all of this.
You're too young to know the pain you bear.
I'll be praying for a miracle.
So, breathe deep and know you'll make it out alive.
So, breathe deep and know you'll make it out alive.

All I Ask

2007-12-01T15:27:00.001-08:00

All I ask is that you pray that I will pursue Christ first in all I do. I don't want ideas and dreams to steal me away from His will and this reality.

Air To Flame

2007-11-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

I am air to flame.
Burnt, but always coming back for more.
You can't stop it.
You can't stop the rains from falling on your parade.

I'm not sorry for this honesty.
Maybe you'll learn a thing or two before one of us dies beneath the sun.

You are ignorance,
Clothed in grace, but still nothing more.
I can't stop you.
I can't stop the forward way of a wayward heart.

Silence never paid such a price.
Who knew that ideas could change a person's perception?
When you're lost in this meaningless salvation,
Maybe what you have isn't real after all.

I'm not sorry for this honesty.
Blood spilt to save you, but your carelessness,
your callousness, and your lack of sense is all but saving you now.

In the words of my brothers, you are meant for more.
You are meant for love and grace and peace and truth.
He didn't die for your for no reason.
He came to see you well and better than you be.

Call it treason to a life you once knew,
But come clean. Come free.
You are meant for Truth.

Incase I Never Get To Let You Know

2007-10-27T01:07:00.000-07:00

I love you.

Just Some Thoughts #2

2007-10-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

Colder weather makes Tejas beautiful.
Randy Torres is my favorite guitarist.
Joshua Blankenship needs to bring back HRTWRK.
At age 20, I finally learned how to spell heroes correctly.
I've never thought the education system was how it should be.
I have friends who you wouldn't believe.
Since when did Christ get involved in politics?
I could be content living on the streets of Aberdeen.
I will always have a soft spot for ministry in Aberdeen.
I wonder who my bride will be.
My bride could be the purest of pure,
or she could be talk of the town;
..famous for lying around.
I will love her just the same.
If partying insists of drunkenness and chain smoking, stop..
..no one worth your time will give you their time. Trust me.
I just want my dad and my sister to know I love them dearly.
..I want them to see Christ in me more than anything.
If money is the root of all evil, then how is anyone happy?
If we could love, we could change the world.
A wise man asks questions. Ask yourself, "What can I learn today?"
The TV has been the same thing since 1960.
..Bring back The Honeymooners.
I look forward to trading in the Exploder in the future. Any takers?
I tend to have interests in ladies who are 'too busy'..
Nothing overly pleasant has come from online communication.
I just want to be locked in a music studio in Canada for a month.
Damn, I talk about myself too much.
We don't need anymore truthless heroes!
Pro-choice.. Give me one SELFLESS reason why I should consider this.
Pro-life.. That is something worth fighting for (see: LOVE)
Salvation is not on sale today for a fee.
Christ, make Your way!
G-D = GOD.
Xmas = Christmas because "X" = Christ (Greek).
..so, do some research before you start your lashings of anger.
Speak in ebonics, if you have read this far.
..If you don't know what they are, just say 'bogus.'
A word to the wise: Early to bed, early to rise..
Change the world. Hug a stranger for free today.
Call 832.326.5770 & leave a voicemail of you singing.
..It will make someone smile.
Sleep would feel like a cure, and now I must be going.
To you, be blessed!

Storybooks And Batting Eyes

2007-10-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

Rip the lines from storybook.
These words you speak to them, to us, to all you will never know haunt me so.
I've never wanted to speak against you, but i'm left with no choice.
You've trademarked believers with billboards and franchises.
These poor souls, buying your lies, buying your salvation.
When will it ever end?

So, since salvation's for sale,
And the masses are singing along,
I'll find my way out the back door.
My heart can't contend with the injustice of it all.

Welcome to corporate americana.
Welcome to the lies we're all buying to stay alive.

My love is taking her last breath tonight, letting go of the hope we gave.
You got wrapped up in your business suits and dollar signs,
And love never stood a chance to your cold heart.

I am among the living damned; Living in self-preservation.

MY GOD! Let me change!
Call my heart to a land where lost can be saved.
Call me to place where salvation isn't a book we sell.
Call me to the world where change can be made.
Because I believe it can.

Just Some Thoughts

2007-10-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

Music is more work than people realize.
A church is not a building.
This process of growing out hair takes much too long.
Coffee shouldn't cost $5 ever, yet it does and I am the schmuck that buys it.
I make sounds with guitars that people shouldn't be able to, and this makes me smile.
I often wonder if my perception of things is the same as others (ie: is "red" red or blue?)
I probably won't be marrying someone who couldn't see herself involved in music..
.. because otherwise the road life would irritate her to no end.
I have a heart for kids, and I'm sorry for those who don't at all.
I'm blessed by great conversations.
Money grows on trees in some form or fashion.. Where does paper come from, eh?
Why do Americans have one word for love when the Hebrews have three?
Our god isn't God, if he fits inside our heads.
Social smoking.
Why is Grace so hard to find in this life to those who hearts are hard?
Sex trade & slavery angers me, as much as it breaks my heart.
Suicide is not the answer to any problem. Period.
You're a great reader, if you've read this far.
I somehow own hippy guitars; both are over 30 years old.
The idea of living in a van with 3 of my closest dudes for months at a time is tight.
Expectations suck. Don't expect a thing and find your reward is great!
God's timing irritates me until I realize what i just said.
I'm a sinner.
I want things that aren't mine all the time.
I want one girl to be different from the rest..
..I want her to be encouraging, loving, beautiful, a fan of music, a fan of Jesus,
..a fan me as much as I am of hers, a lover of her future family, etc..
2007 has kicked tail with the music releases this year.
I don't know why you've read all of this.
You should say "BOUNCE" if you have read all of this.
This whole "die to myself" thing is harder than it seems.
Sin's a pain in my royal arse.
I miss the British Isles.
My life is a walking ministry; I can't wait to be 89 and see what God is still doing.
If I could be anyone, I would probably be Dustin Kensrue.
I've been to more weddings this year than my whole life combined.
Texas weather is the most uninspiring thing ever..
..other than the thought of wearing high heels. I will never understand!
I am not famous.
I do not know everybody... So, feel free to stop trying to tell me otherwise.
Robert Earl Seay.. Who knew?
The bed is calling me, and so I must go.

Beggar's Son

2007-10-10T01:36:00.000-07:00

i was a beggar's son
far from the tennessee plains
i was your wayward one
missing far from the land

i wanted to find home

take my heart tonight
find a new place hide
hey, come and take this love back from the grave

i was a wayward son
like many before and many to come
i was somewhere north of here
(lost in the city lights)

take... my love & bring me home

i wanted to find love
in a little paradise
i wanted to find love

What Is This Thing Called Love?

2007-10-08T23:27:00.000-07:00

It dawned on me late last week, between the conversations that I had with a couple of people, that this American way of dating and love and such is pretty jacked up. It's not a new thought process, I assure you. This thought process has just been revisited with more depth.

The views I'm about to share are completely hypothetical:
So, I think it was Friday when my friend messaged me asking when I was going to move to where she lived so that we could have coffee and talk all the time. My comment back was, "Is this some sort of unofficial proposal?" After she confirmed that it was going to be a number of years 'til she got married, I began to think back on what love really is; what it really means.

Love: An act of the will that is accompanied by emotions, that leads to action on behalf of the object.

By that definition and by what scripture says time and time again, love is a choice.
So, I got to thinking, "What would it be like to decide on marrying someone, wait 10 years while not actually being romantically involved with her.. then one day get married after never dating?" I think it'd honestly be one of the most freeing things ever.

Here's why I think it'd be freeing:
1. You wouldn't have to worry about dating.. the whole love/loss thing.
2. You wouldn't have to focus on "man, does she dig me?"
3. You'd be more inclined to get closer to God independently.
4. You'd have a long time to begin to develop the "bestfriendship" instead of forming that during the marriage or even during dating when emotions and physicalness can get in the way.

I'm sure there are more reasons and things I have thought of, but as of right now, I can't think upon them.

So, what is this thing called love, man?
The world tells us it's emotions. Dude, if you waited 10 years as a single person to marry someone, you'd get wrecked emotionally, if you were told love is only emotions. Satan would use every opportunity to try and deter your decision by bringing someone "prettier" in your life, someone "smarter" in your life, someone "more talented" in your life. I mean, that's 10 years to think "man, I'm waiting, but I doubt she is. I know I could have this now!" Oh, such temporary gladness!

We've been blessed, man.. This American way of life is seriously such a blessing. I mean we get to date and we get to choose who to marry. There are many countries out there that don't get to choose marriages and such for themselves. So, in those countries, love is something you do or else you lose much, including your life.

What would love look like for you if you kept pursuing Christ, talked to a friend, thought she/he was cool, and then just plainly decided one day "hey, 10 years from now, we're going to get married!" You'd have plenty of opportunities to run out and be with other people.. So, why would you wait 10 years, if someone was willing to give you themselves sooner?

What would love look like for you if you were not able to decide who you were to marry.. if that decision was made for you?

..This is all hypothetical. I'm not engaged to be married in 10 years.
I just simply want to know what your thoughts on love are.

Peace.
Z

P.S. I'll probably edit this soon with a more condensed and to the point version, but 'til then, leave some feedback.

The Things You Want To Say But Can't

2007-10-02T20:12:00.000-07:00

Finding one worth living for.
Finding one worth dying for.
Well, I've found one.
And oh, what a story to tell!

You are like a book I can't put down.
I can't read enough, and you can't say enough.
All I want to do is to hear more from you.

You're living life so blindly;
Afraid to give your heart away.
I'm dying for you to see,
That love is not the enemy.

I am just a simple man with nothing to my name.
I can't offer you perfection, but my honor is yours just the same.
Yes, I know this could be a story with a million different endings,
But since when did we become the authors of a life He wrote for us?

We may never see the end together, and time will surely tell,
but in this time and place, I sure hope we will.

May God bless your soul, and may He comfort you still.
Let it be known, you are in every prayer in this broken man's tale.
Have you found your identity? I know it may take some time.
I have been waiting, still waiting, and for you I'll wait some more.

May I not be a hindrance to you in the pursuit of our Saviour.
Let it never be.

My friend, I love you, and I'm not ashamed to say.
Though our paths may never cross,
I will love you just the same.

Seek the Lord.
He loves you dearly.
Seek the Lord,
And may He glorify His name through all that you do and are.

You Have My Attention

2007-09-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

Quiet now.
Your voice sings miles away,
But somehow I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day
And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away.

I’ll sing alone
The whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
It’s all you can do.

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while,
Since that first day when you made my heart smile,
With loving eyes and tired sighs that follow.
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper;
I’ll hear a sermon.

I’ll sing alone
The whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
It’s all you can do.

I’ll sing alone
The whole night through.
While you sleep safely,
I’ll be thinking about you.

You have my attention.

- Copeland, "You Have My Attention"